Hello... I have such a problem: I can't be in society, among people. This causes me discomfort, fear, and it seems to me that everyone evaluates me from the outside. I never had friends, girlfriends. It's the same at school. Everyone avoids communicating with me, because I seem boring, taciturn and strange. I turned to a psychologist, but he said that it was just adolescence and everything would pass. Nothing goes by that I don't do.
I don't think it's normal for what's happening to me. It seems to me that everyone treats me with contempt, they don't even want to see me. I realize that these are just my unreasonable thoughts, but I can't do anything about them.
I feel bad ... My self-esteem has fallen below the baseboard, I have a lot of complexes. I have hobbies, but they do not concern communication with people and being in society. All day long I can sit at home and read, or watch movies, or sometimes draw. It instantly relieves me of the stress that I get every day during school, on the street, among people.
Help what can be done. I can not take it anymore...
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Alice, age: 15 / 28.02.2016

Responses:

Alice, it's actually very good that you understand that everything happens only in your head, and not around you. This means that you yourself can change all this. Conquer your fears. Search the Internet for articles, literature on this topic. You will also find many useful articles on this site.
Your problems are largely due to the fact that you do not accept yourself, do not like yourself. Think about what you are, what are your strengths, good qualities. Try to make a list of them, and then reread it every day and add something to it. You'll see, it gets easier.
And the people around - they are the same as you, they have the same fears, pain, problems, joys. Start to slowly communicate with people you like, and you will understand that there is nothing difficult or scary in this. The ability to communicate is like a muscle that weakens without training. But to train it in your power, like any other muscle in your body.
I know you will succeed. I myself was the same. Most importantly, believe in yourself and that you deserve to be the heroine of the best book! Happiness to you, good luck, love, kindness!

Maria, age: 02/27/2016

Alice, hello!
There is nothing terrible here, it’s just that there are extrovert people who need communication, and there are introvert people who, as it were, “discharge” from communication and look for “feeding” in solitude, reflection, reading, etc. Read about introverts, I'm sure you'll recognize yourself in their description! Therefore, it is necessary to proceed from the characteristics of your personality, and not adapt to those around you. When you choose a profession, look for one that focuses more on books, art, photography, reports, texts (you need something creative and not to have excessive communication).
If you are comfortable being alone, then spend time alone with yourself. If you really feel that you need friends, but preferably similar to you, then look for such friends on the Internet or sign up for different circles (literary club, drawing, etc.), and there you will find friends of interest. Or look for some loner at school, some closed and unsociable classmate, and try to be the first to offer him friendship. What if he is also looking for a friend, but is afraid to take the first step out of fear?
Good luck, you are smart!

Oksana, age: 02/28/2016

Hello Alice. To make it easier to get along with people, you need to become more open, friendlier, smile more often, say pleasant things, compliments, be able to interest the interlocutor. A good opportunity to try your hand is to go out for a walk with a child, maybe you have a little brother / sister / nephew ?! Just go to the playground where mothers work with children, do not be afraid if the girls are 4-6 years older than you. Young mothers get tired of worries and monotony, they want to chat, discuss something, and you could become an excellent companion. Another option is to communicate on the Internet. In any case, Alice, with age you will become more confident, more experienced, study, work, the need to visit shops, markets, clinics, etc. help you loosen up. And even more so when a husband and children appear. Therefore, there is no need to panic. Go to college or university, try to show yourself a little different - not sad and thoughtful, but active, cheerful, so from the first days you can make friends with someone. Good luck to you!

Irina, age: 02/28/2016

Hey!
What is happening to you simply means that you are a pronounced introvert. So do I. In general, we are such a quarter of the entire population of the Earth. Maybe you just have such an age that for the first time you began to realize and experience it: the desire to get out of the control of your parents and start an independent life, but it turns out very difficult. I also remember such a period in my life, only I lived in the village, so I often went for a walk in the forest for the whole day and dreamed about something there. It also seemed that there was nothing in common with old friends, and there was nowhere to get new ones in the village. It was hard next to people, but in the forest it was beautiful and calm.
We are not always understood by others (because they are extroverts, and they are the majority). We really understand each other, only it is more difficult for us to find each other, because we feel best doing what we love, and not communicating with people. But we are diligent and persistent, we can do what we like for hours, so we often achieve great success.
We don’t have many friends (for example, I thought for a long time that I didn’t have friends, and now I’ll call only two or three people my friends), but our friendship is usually strong, we trust friends as ourselves and can sit for hours and talk about secrets that no one else will understand.
Wait a few years and you will see that you will be respected for your erudition and ability to draw, for the fact that you really value true friendship, and do not scatter your attention in all directions.

Pavel, age: 03/23/2016

If someone treats us badly, we have three options: react wisely, endure and humble, react aggressively.

If a person who treats us badly belongs to our immediate environment, then we must definitely let him know that if he does not change his attitude, we will have to move away from him, since our personal well-being is a priority.

If someone treats us badly, we have three options: react wisely, endure and humble, react aggressively.

Managing your emotions in such tense situations is not so easy. After all, at the same time certain areas of our brain are activated.

When we are treated badly, disrespectfully, or threatened, our prefrontal cortex, amygdala (amygdala), anterior cingulate cortex, and insula immediately begin to work.

These areas are associated with our survival instinct, they are what make us react, showing aggression, or, conversely, running away from "danger".

But such situations should be learned to manage through emotional intelligence. In this way, we rid ourselves of feelings of fear or anger that take over us completely and we can lose control of ourselves.

And here are 5 promises you need to make to yourself in order to properly respond if someone treats you inappropriately.

1. I promise myself to always remember who and what I am.

When someone treats us badly and oversteps all the boundaries of what is permitted, it greatly harms our self-esteem. Contempt, offensive words, humiliation, deceit.

If we face similar situations and similar attitudes towards ourselves, then we feel overwhelmed and overwhelmed, because it hits the what we hold dear: self-respect and personal integrity.

And if someone tells you that "you are worthless" or "you are nothing," then the last thing you should do is to fly into a rage.

First and foremost, in this case: do not take other people's statements to heart. We should respond with dignity and always remember that we are worth a lot. Know your worth.

Other people's words do not characterize us. For this reason, you need to learn to perceive any aggression against you without losing your inner balance and without losing your temper.

2. I make a promise to myself to limit your aggression.

Imagine the following picture: a golden circle is floating around you, like a life-saving one. It allows you to “float” in any environment and environment: at home, at work, etc…

It is your support and daily strength that clears the way for you and paves the way ... But one day in life there is someone who comes too close to you.

He carries something sharp over his shoulders (spear, needle, whatever) and treacherously points it towards your lifebuoy to pierce it and bleed all the air out of it.

After that, you notice that you start to sink.

Don't let this happen to you. You have every right to prevent this, to defend yourself, to set boundaries, to determine what can and cannot be done.

Don't let yourself be harmed.

3. I make a promise to myself to speak confidently.

First, always and in any situation it is necessary to remain calm. Only then will you be able to speak confidently.

Imagine a palace, a white hall with open windows, through which light and air enter the room. Get in there and take a deep breath. Nothing that others say or do should make you forget who you are and what you are worth.

Once you feel absolutely calm, start talking. Being confident and even assertive means being able to speak calmly and at the same time tough, making it clear what you allow and what you do not have in relation to yourself.

Speak without fear, protect yourself.

4. I make a promise to myself to leave aside anyone who treats me badly.

Someone who treats you badly doesn't deserve your time or your concern. There are people - real specialists, "pros" to create problems for everyone. They try to infect everyone with their bad mood and disdain those who least deserve it.

Very often, those who oppress us are from our immediate environment: colleagues, relatives, or even our partner in life.

But here it is important not to forget one important rule: the one who treats you badly does not respect you, does not empathize, does not share your emotions. And you can’t live in such tension from day to day, it’s too destructive and destructive for your personality.

It is necessary to think about this and make an appropriate decision: to clearly tell this person that we cannot allow such an attitude towards us and allow him to continue to make us suffer. Let him know that if this continues, then we will have to distance ourselves from him and maintain this distance for our own good.

After all, your emotional well-being in this case is in the first place.

5. Make a promise to yourself to heal the wound and become even stronger.

In such situations, the closest people cause us the most suffering: our partner, brother, parents ... And sometimes it is not enough just to establish a distance. Disappointment and resentment remain, and this wound in the soul must be healed.

Give yourself time. You need time for yourself to make it easier, choose an activity that you like: walk, write, draw, travel, spend time with friends.

Comfort can be found in many things. But the best way to heal our wounds is to surround ourselves with people who truly love us and who deserve our love. And just as there are people who can bring sadness and sadness into our lives, there are those who will allow us to start over. Just find them.

Many have seen from their own experience that the power of positive thinking is great. Positive thinking allows you to achieve success in any business, even the most hopeless. Why does not everyone have positive thinking, since it is a direct path to success?

If someone calls you selfish, it's definitely not a compliment. This makes it clear that you are paying too much attention to your own needs. Selfish behavior is unacceptable to most people and is considered immoral.

There are times when a series of problems falls upon a person and a black streak begins in life. There is a feeling that the whole world has rebelled against him. How to get out of a losing streak and start enjoying life again?

There are more than seven billion people on Earth. All of them are unique and differ from each other not only in appearance, but also in a set of psychological traits. There is such a category of people who easily communicate with strangers, easily fit into unfamiliar companies and know how to please almost anyone. Such people are more successful in their personal lives and careers than others. Many want to become just such people, a kind of "soul of the company." Today we will talk about what to do to please people and become a more successful person.

Conflicts can arise everywhere, regardless of the people around you and the circumstances. An evil boss or unscrupulous subordinates, demanding parents or dishonest teachers, grandmothers at bus stops or angry people in public places. Even a conscientious neighbor and a dandelion grandmother can cause a big conflict. About how to get out of the conflict without suffering damage - moral and physical - and will be discussed in this article.

It is impossible to imagine a modern person who is not subject to stress. Accordingly, each of us is in such situations every day at work, at home, on the road, some sufferers even experience stress several times a day. And there are people who constantly live in a stressful state and do not even suspect it.

Life is a strange and complicated thing that can throw up dozens of troubles in one day. However, it is worth remembering: any trouble is a lesson that will definitely come in handy sometime in the future. If a person is an honest student, then he will remember the lecture the first time. In the event that the lesson was incomprehensible, life will confront him again and again. And many people take this literally, complicating their lives! But sometimes you should not endure some things, looking for life lessons in them! What specific situations should be stopped?

Everything seems dull and gray, close people annoy, work infuriates and there are thoughts that all life is heading downhill somewhere. In order to change your own life, it is not necessary to do something supernatural and complex. Sometimes the simplest and most accessible actions for everyone can significantly increase the level of energy and make you feel much better. Try to introduce 7 effective practices into your life that will dramatically change your life for the better.

Everyone who is engaged in self-development knows that he cannot do without a feeling of discomfort. Quite often, people confuse discomfort with a black streak in life and begin to complain, or even worse, try to avoid change. But as experience shows, only by going beyond the comfort, you can find and acquire all the benefits that we need.

Today I want to talk about such a perhaps strange topic as "Blocking on the acceptance of benefits and a good attitude."

Women, of course, want to be treated well: cared for, cared for, first of all, by a loved one or a husband, and in general from society.

At my consultations, of course, I hear that I want to be cherished and cherished, to respect and recognize a woman, to pay attention and just be glad that SHE is around. And often there really is something to rejoice at.

But for some reason this all somehow does not happen, they underestimate ...

Our psyche is so interestingly arranged that, with all the desire, the very acceptance of a kind, good, attentive, respectful attitude towards a woman can be blocked.

Why do my husband, beloved, relatives or just people around me treat me badly?

There is nothing surprising when something harmful is not accepted, but not accepting something that is beneficial seems strange ...

However, the internal logic is much more subtle.

If it happens that they begin to treat with care, and caring, and attentively, and respectfully, and respect and see talents, recognize and see talents and the fact that there is just a wonderful and wonderful person nearby, then there is such a danger that A woman will understand that her loved ones treat her oh, how bad .

And then this unkind attitude of loved ones against such a background will begin to feel particularly acute. And the question already arises: what to do with such relations. And this usually requires large resources, both external and internal, and this smells like big changes.

Therefore, it is often easier to block a good attitude even from those from whom it is possible, so as not to face your fears, beliefs, feelings of guilt and shame (which are often false in women).

After all, it has long been proven in practice that we initiate and provoke in people certain aspects of their personality, character traits, depending on what we internally sound like.

How did it happen that we do not let good real sincere relationships into our lives?

How can a woman herself unconsciously attract men who treat women badly?

In childhood, we could not send to the devil's grandmother if we were treated badly: if it was rudeness, callousness, rudeness, inattention, coldness, etc. The child is dependent on his elders: dad, mom, grandparents.

And since he is dependent, he is forced to endure the attitude that he has, because his loved ones are the guarantor of his safety, his survival.

And as a result, very strange and destructive associations are obtained, for example,

Coldness=Safety

Suppression=Love

Such associations can live inside for decades and sometimes they are not easy to pick out. Until a woman sees them, does not give them a place, does not realize the difference between these concepts, things will be there even now. A woman will stubbornly climb into relationships in which there will be rudeness, coldness, etc. Simply because it symbolizes safety for her.

In fact, there is no smell of safety and love there. It destroys the psyche, and then health. In fact, this is a significant danger. And it is important to understand inside and put everything in its true place.

As a result, the child freezes in some kind of hopelessness: “I can’t reject such an attitude, because I simply won’t survive. And if I also realize that this is a bad attitude - from the people closest to me, then what can I expect from strangers?

For a child, this is just horror and the world turns into a complete nightmare. Therefore, in the child's psyche, nature has created such a protective mechanism that "dad, mom, grandmother are good in any way," as a rule, this is also suggested by the environment.

So the child endures this for a long time and gets used to it, it becomes a kind of internal norm, even if there is a riot outside ...

Girls are usually, unfortunately, more patient in this sense than boys.

Girls are generally more inclined to perceive that "if something is wrong, then it's my fault, then I deserve it." Boys are more inclined to look for reasons in the outside world.

Thus mistreatment becomes natural to the psyche. All the time there is discomfort inside, but it is no longer realized.

The good news is that we have already grown.

There is a story about elephants, how they are kept in India.

At first, when it is still a small baby elephant, a not very strong rope is tied to a small peg so that it can only move a certain distance, no further.

Of course, at first the baby elephant tries, tries, pulls, but he can’t escape. Associated with this, he has learned helplessness. He grows, becomes a big, healthy, strong elephant. But he doesn’t even try anymore, he’s used to the fact that it can’t be otherwise and he doesn’t have the strength to change it.

He does not realize that the situation has already changed very much.

So our psyche happens that it freezes in some kind of state: “it has always been like this, it means it’s normal, or I can’t cope with it.”

But it is already possible to get out of these children's pants, get rid of internal restrictions, increase internal resources. To do this, there are various techniques, practices to clean out all the fears, resentments, unlived heavy feelings that drag you to the bottom like a stone. Become cleaner, stronger, healthier.

And in the end acceptance of a good relationship appears , it becomes adequate to the inner feeling of oneself. It is no longer scary to accept it and see in contrast what important relationships with loved ones are. There is no longer such a fear of not coping.

“Yes, it might be a shock while I rebuild relationships with some of my environment, maybe even someone will have to leave the environment, but I can handle it.”

This is where working with the inner parent helps a lot. He is often suppressive, aggressive, critical, but he can gradually be translated into a supportive one. And then, in a difficult situation, something inside you will say instead of “well, you’ve got yourself into trouble again!”, but “it’s okay, now we’ll turn there, read here, find out there, consult and slowly figure it out step by step” or “on Let's go and do it!" This is how the inner resource manifests itself.

What else can prevent a kind, good, respectful attitude from coming into your life, the fact that you are valued and respected, loved, just welcome to you?

The reasons may be different. But your answer will be to the question:

And what is the worst thing that will happen if they start treating me well, if I accept the very attitude that I so desire? What will happen then?

Popular responses I hear are:

Then I will MUST !!! - this is for serious work with self-worth.

Then I will generally relax, stop developing, I will not strive for anything, like a jellyfish in the sun. (This is far from always the case, often simply inspired from childhood that “you only need to be driven with sticks in order to do something, but you don’t do it yourself, lazy, stupid!)

I won’t be able to relax at all, because it’s unusual for me and I’ll wait for a catch - this is to work with an inner protector and healthy contact with my

aggression.

I will go to the dressing, then SUCH will get out of me, if they start treating me well, that then everyone will definitely turn away. (With such things, it’s either an appointment with a psychologist or, if you are a believer, in your faith, turn to God, he will accept everyone, no matter what cockroaches or cockroaches you are. This acceptance from there is also very good to feel. )

Women also have an interesting effect, they say: “He treats me well, and I start doing THIS, yes, I’m shocked by myself! What's coming out of me! I start throwing tantrums, some nit-picking ..

In fact, this is a story about the fact that a woman felt safe, her psyche felt safe and the subconscious understands "Oh, finally we can get rid of this horror and unlived emotions that we have accumulated inside and we can trust this person. And he seems to be able to withstand this to some extent."

So “She throws tantrums at him” is not always about the fact that he is henpecked or not like that, but she is hysterical. It could just be that she was 20-30-40 years old badly, squeezed, there was no one to trust. And then a good person appears and he gets it.

So accumulated unlived feelings must be decomposed into several "baskets" : something for a friend, something with a psychologist, something with a priest, something with the elders, something to live by herself and only a part so that the man gets, otherwise he, the poor, can not stand it.

And yet it can be a sign of trust.

May you always have inner permission for all the best,

Boyfriend treats me bad self-affirmation

Many men suffer from complexes that were instilled in them in childhood. And over the years, these complexes grow so deeply into the psyche that in order to somehow fight them, people begin to use those who are close to them. Most often, guys assert themselves at the expense of women who love them. Looking at a lady who is ready to do everything for her man, the guy begins to feel like a king and God. Namely, he constantly lacks this feeling. Initially, such a man is satisfied only with the love of his soul mate. But over time, he begins to demand more and more worship, as his complexes begin to grow again. Such men can calmly insult their women, threaten them with parting, and so on. And the ladies, who, in fact, are madly in love with their boyfriends, turn into slaves, ready to do anything, just not to part. In such cases, the more a woman tries to prove her love to a man, the more he allows himself too much. As a result, no matter what she says or does, he will characterize her negatively and will not allow her to express herself as a person. In such situations, a bad attitude is provoked by the girls themselves, even without noticing it. Men should never be given complete freedom of action and, moreover, to show that you cannot live without them. Initially, it is difficult to understand whether there are such complexes in a man or whether he is a completely normal, mentally stable and adequate person. Therefore, to be on the safe side, always try not to let the guys go too far from the very beginning. When a man is groundlessly jealous, when he constantly yells at his woman, insults and humiliates her, and even can raise his hand, then his love is just an illusion that he invented for himself and for others. But in fact, he simply wants to overcome his complexes, but he cannot think of a normal way for this, therefore he uses a weak and loving person to solve his psychological problems, with which he should have gone to a specialist for a long time.

Influence of friends

Unfortunately, men often fall under the influence of the opinions of others, and especially their friends. If the men said that the girl is not particularly beautiful, not smart enough, and so on, and indeed, he could find a better one for himself, the young man begins to think about it and get angry at his soul mate. Of course, such behavior and attitude towards women can hardly be called normal. Adequate in a relationship, guys can only do this at the age of fifteen. But for some, this pattern of behavior persists for life. And having started a relationship with someone, the man immediately gathers a "council" of his friends, where they discuss the advantages and disadvantages of the girl. Moreover, in ninety-five cases, attention is paid exclusively to external data. And, as you know, everyone has their own tastes. Therefore, no one guarantees that the girl will like his friends. And if this happens, they begin to convince the man that he is a sucker and how he could contact such a person. Accordingly, a guy who seriously asks his friends if he should date someone is a very insecure individual. Listening to the guys, he draws his conclusions and begins to get angry at the girl who was not good enough for his friends. And no matter how absurd it may sound, such a man begins to try to change the girl with the help of his negative attitude, anger and irritation. But we all know that external data does not change so easily. That is why such men begin to get angry and annoyed for any reason. They throw unfounded accusations at the girls, openly call them freaks, say that they meet only out of pity, and the lady is generally not worthy to be with someone. If you see that a man behaves like this with you because of his friends, then you need to think about whether you need a man who does not have his own opinion at all. After all, a normal person will not go to ask the opinion of friends, he will not allow any negativity in the direction of his beloved, even in a casual conversation. And when a young man not only allows it, but also agrees, then his masculine honor and dignity are out of the question at all. This person cannot be called a man, because he offends the one who loves him and whom he chose himself, and now insults only because she suddenly did not like his company.

Just can break up

Another reason why men start to treat women frankly badly is the banal inability to part. A man feels that he no longer wants to be with this woman, but instead of talking to her, he begins to behave in such a way that she herself gets angry with him and offers to leave. This is also the main sign of a weak man who cannot behave with dignity and be responsible for his deeds. Even if he says that he just feels sorry for the girl, this is not so. A person who cares about the feelings of another will never allow himself such behavior. He will always find words to explain himself and will not humiliate and insult a woman in this way. If the guy is constantly annoyed, angry, calling names and at the same time cannot sensibly explain why, then he is simply trying to push the girl to make a decision to break up, in order to remain out of business himself and "get out dry."

Above, we talked about situations where the ladies are really not to blame for anything and the men behave in a genuine way just like that, relying solely on their desires, which are completely unrelated to the behavior of women. But it also happens that a guy’s behavior becomes bad not because he is spineless and complexed, but because the woman herself provokes him to such acts with her windy behavior, disrespect, and so on. Therefore, before you draw your conclusions, still think about how you behave. Perhaps it is you, and not he, who needs to think about his attitude towards people, and especially towards his soul mates. But if this is not so, then next to you is simply an unworthy person with whom you need to break off relations as soon as possible.