All families, where happiness reigns, are similar, but there is no unbelief for each family - this thought once thoroughly formulated, and in his years it was not news. And over time, the situation does not change - conflicts, quarrels, scandals, "flight dissembly" happen in almost every family. And for these conflict situations, there are almost always chagrins, depressed, depressions, new nervous breakies ...

It seems that the reason in each case its own and that it is impossible to understand these reasons. But is it really? Maybe if positive moments are similar, then in negative manifestations you can find something in common? But it is known that if you know the real attack of the troubles of any scale, then you can find and confront these troubles.

Conflicts in the family

When they talk about conflicts in the family, it seems that misunderstanding between parents and children, quarrels between husband and wife, scuffle between schoolchildren's children, the insults of old people for younger generations are completely different. In addition, external circumstances can be very different, ranging from place of residence, living conditions and material well-being and ending with the educational level and individual characteristics of each person's character.

However, in any case, we are talking about relationships between people, and here it should be understood that honesty, nobility, selflessness, desire and willingness to help do not depend on non-tax, nor from the place of residence, and from age or from the presence of a diploma too.

It turns out that people are on the very actual acts of any other reasons and that a stumbling block becomes not a broken cup, not a small salary and not old boots. But what really becomes the cause of a cry, tears, swearing, hysterics, threats, and sometimes fights?

Attention! The soil for the conflict, psychologists consider negative emotions and feelings that have accumulated for some time or originated spontaneously.

For many, it may be a complete surprise that almost always any misunderstanding and any conflict can be resolved in a completely peaceful way, without offensive words and loud sobs. The main thing is that for this you need, - to understand the psychological attack of what is happening, and very much want to conflict.

Psychologists say that people, regardless of age, are quarreled only when they do not represent how to get out of the current situation without increasing the tone, or when they for some reason need a conflict situation. What for? For example, to manipulate another person.

And one can allocate another important circumstance: if conflict arises, then each participant of this unsightly situation accuses the other, but few people begin to understand themselves. But often, the internal contradictions of the person fall into the basis of his relationship with others, including the basis of the quarrel. And now we take into account that the internal contradictions are absolutely each ...

3 The most important causes of family conflicts

Any conflict has cause. But it is not worth it to be conflicting because the reason for the conflict can serve anything, any little thing, but there are few real reasons. The main reasons for the emergence of conflicts in the family can be combined into three groups.

1. FirstlyPeople often want to get some information. But before you fight for this information, you should think well, whether they really need.
2. SecondlyConflicts often pursue the goal to change something, especially this applies to change behavior.
3. Thirdly, Often the conflict is needed in order to determine the main, leader, the host in the house. That is, it is the conflict in this case should demonstrate who is stronger.

Attention! In the overwhelming majority of cases (exceptions are very rare), the conflict will not give the desired result.

Striving for power

The first cause of conflicts in the family can be considered the desire for power and, as a result, the desire for maximum control over all. It should be noted that the desire for power is quite an instinctive desire, because in wildliness in any flock commands, and unconditionally, the strongest.

It is known that the person is largely guided by instincts and that many human actions can be explained by instinctive behavior. The desire to get the power and the right to dispose of at least in its small homemade flock - the background of many family conflicts. Dispose of all family members - and completely does not matter their age.

For a person, it is typical of the desire to power, let it be even the smallest power over more weak (above children or over the old parents). Of course, civilization smoothed this instinct slightly, but he can't go anywhere and could not go.

What to do? Just think, and think very well. If a person is expensive to relationship in his family, he will not create an atmosphere of fear around him, because fear kills all other feelings. Relationships can be built only at mutual understanding, in respect, on sympathy and for love - and none of these feelings have nothing to do with fear.

In the end, millions of years of development of a person reasonable should have been learned to cope with instincts and lead their behavior. Ferry leader? It is perfectly! But whether all the questions in your pack decides exactly the leader? Maybe it's time to share power, that is, to solve the right?

Guilt

Another reason for conflicts is a sense of guilt. It would seem that this is completely unreal: what could be the conflict with a man who recognizes himself guilty. But guilty of what?

Does a person can always be to blame and in everything? And if someone constantly agrees to accept the blame absolutely for everything, even for the fall of the Tungusian meteorite, which fell in Taiga in 1908? This, you know, sooner or later begins to annoy ...

Of course, anyone can make a mistake and anyone should be able to respond to their mistakes, but the constant feeling of guilt is absolutely for everything that happens, nothing will lead to anything. As a result, it may well form "Boy for Betting." But people are saddened, people do not understand this, and some gladly disappear in such "eternally unhappy" poor mood, irritation accumulated negative.

What to do in this case? First, never becomes the victim's position, never blame yourself for everything that happens. Blame - answer. But only for what is to blame for this case. Secondly, to educate in their children a sense of self-esteem.

Feeling

Sometimes the conflict arises due to the fact that someone wants to satisfy his feeling of revenge, because of the desire to take revenge on something, punish, put in place. But it will not lead to anything good, but will only become a basis for new offensive and for new misunderstanding.

The saddest thing is that the revenge entails the desire to take revenge in response - and it becomes very difficult to break this vicious circle. If we are talking about a big family, then more and more people are gradually drawn into this conflict, and everything will be revenge all, sometimes even forgetting that it caused the conflict and reason to revenge.

The most offensive thing is that a person who understands that his actions are caused by the desire to take revenge, will never be completely satisfied and will not feel the celebration of justice. Often, not only spouses are revenge on each other, but children to parents, but parents for children. Worst of all that in such families, the growing children are formed the wrong stereotype of behavior, which they will be transferred to their family.

What to do? Probably the most correct in such situations - learn to forgive. Because if this does not happen, the family is doomed and will certainly collapse. If the family is the road and means a lot - forgive the insult, if you have been impossible to forgive, it is better to leave, because the path of revenge is not only very heavy, but also very dangerous.

Sense of justice

Unfortunately, the cause of conflicts in the family is often a sense of justice, more precisely, what people take for this feeling. Unfortunately, insults and quarrels on this basis are completely unreasonable.

Is it fair that Masher Apple more? Is it fair that I should make cleaning yourself? Is it fair that I have to make money on a summer vacation? On any of these questions, as in many others, you can give quite reasonable and motivated answers, and most importantly, it turns out that it is right exactly how a particular person thinks, because everyone has its own point of view, and it is she seems correct.

What to do? The family should not be lazy to discuss everything and do not regret it for this time. It is necessary to try to in the family there is no place for speculation and assumptions: "Probably, Masha gave the biggest apple, because it is more like it." It is better to immediately explain that Masha is already thirteen years old, and Ole is only three, so Olya will not be able to eat an entire apple. Olya is smaller - and the apple is smaller. Is it fair? ".

Wish to win

One of the reasons for conflicts in the family is competition for any reason and desire to be the winner. And the desire for all means to prove its rightness often has very negative consequences. Actually, this is one of the forms of desire for leadership.

However, it is often overwhelmed that leadership implies not only the right to make decisions, but also the obligation to take responsibility, that is, the duty to respond for the decision made and for the results of its incarnation. Unfortunately, as for responsibility, it often attracts the least, and most importantly becomes easy to defeat in any dispute and in any situation.

Of course, if the desire for victory is supported by both the ability, and perseverance, and the ability to respond to the result of its decision, then it may be not bad, but if you don't have anything to compete, the results may be sad, because conflict is quite possible .

What to do in this case? In order not to provoke conflicts, insisting on the correctness of your opinion, and still win, it is necessary not just to insist, but also to motivate your proposal or a decision, it is necessary to explain why this decision is correct and why this should be done.

Feeling anger

The family conflict may be provoked by angrily or a feeling of bitterness. Moreover, these feelings, like any other negative emotions, devastate a person, take energy, create an atmosphere of depression.

As a rule, anger provokes either active or passive aggression, that is, a vicious person is either trying to provoke a conflict (scandal, hysterical, or even a fight), or it tries not to take part in the conflict and avoid it (silent, closes in his room , leaves home).

However, in any of these cases, the conflict is not permitted, anger and bitterness accumulate, the voltage increases. Neither the scandal nor a cry, nor any accusations, as a rule, do not achieve goals, but misunderstanding continues to grow, driving the conflict situation deep into.

What to do? You can only solve such a conflict situation with the help of a conversation. Unfortunately, this method of resolution of conflicts is not very popular, although the most effective. If people living in one family want to live together together, they must listen to each other and try to find the opportunity to resolve the established conflict situation that is provoked by anger.

Narcissism and egocentrism

It is quite clear that the desire and desire of one person to put ourselves to the center of the Universe can cause irritation and outrage of other family members, provoking conflict situations.

Of course, it is possible to start with the fact that parents who have elapsed such a child are to blame, but no charges in this case will help. However, it is often precisely people who are valid above all their interests become the cause and misunderstandings, and serious conflicts.

What to do? If a person knows what is inclined to prudit and for self-love, he must strive to control himself. The surroundings of such a person should help him realize the incolutions and irrationality of his actions.

True, in this case, the Ego Center is in the center of universal attention, which he achieves. It is very likely that in this case the help of a psychotherapist will take.

Desire to blame

Very often the cause of conflicts in the family becomes a desire to find guilty in all troubles and not take responsibility for yourself. In any case, it turns out to be justified, because someone did something wrong, not in time, said not that. However, in most cases, if you intently consider all the circumstances of the fact that the accusation caused, one can find that both parties are to blame.

How to get out of the situation? To get out of such a situation, it is necessary to remember that one person is almost always guilty. And it is possible that, blaming someone else, a person is trying to remove responsibility for what happened or his part of the guilt. But another option is possible when a person all guards completely towards himself. But so after all, it does not happen.

Apparently, to avoid conflicts in this case, it is simply necessary to analyze the situation and make the appropriate conclusions. It is very important to understand that no scandal and no charges will change the situation, but in order to avoid such linings and failures in the future, it is necessary to analyze the real reasons for the previous failure.

"Scapegoat"

Sometimes the cause of conflicts in the family becomes the "scapegoat", which is always to blame and in everything. Of course, on the one hand, it is very convenient to dump for someone alone all the troubles and troubles, on the other hand, this person has discontent, which can splash at any time.

Such a splashing of emotions can sometimes become similar to the rising rising in ancient Rome and even lead to the destruction of the family. On the other hand, there are people who prefer to constantly feel the victim and convince those surrounding: it is so easier to manipulate your surroundings.

How to deal with it? It is very important that in the family never appeared a "Boy for Beeing", which simply drive anger, nor the "goat of the vacation", which is very easy to be guilty in all the troubles.

To talk to each other, help, listen, relate to each other with respect - and then horned man-fighters will appear on the eyes only in the zoo.

Feelings of pride and shame

Whatever enough, however, the cause of conflicts in the family can be a feeling of shame and pride. Something is done wrong and is ashamed for it?

Therefore, in order not to listen to extra reproaches and unpleasant reminders, a person begins to be cleaned with a wall of silence or, on the contrary, to attack to prevent possible attacks. Positive, by and large, feelings, become the basis on which conflict is built.

Or a sense of superiority over the interlocutor due to the firm confidence in its rightness - the vast majority of people want their position to take as correct, even if someone has to abandon their own opinions. And no one wants to give up ... conflict in full swing.

What to do? In the event that we are talking about vulnerable pride or about the feeling of shame, especially false, it is very important not to leave a person alone with his thoughts, but to talk to him, then the possibility of conflicts decreases at times.

Protection of truth and wrong

Whatever enough, but the cause of conflicts in the family is often the desire to protect the correct position, the truth, the right point. Unfortunately, it is completely unpromising, because people look at every situation with different points of view, having different life experience and different goals.

The same glass can be half complete or half empty - how to look at it. But sometimes, protecting the truth, people can reach not only before scandals, but also to the divorce. Moreover, it is often true of this - whether potato needs a potato ... However, the desire to prove its rightness is much stronger than common sense.

How to proceed? Never argue and fight for the truth if the interlocutor is extremely agreed, because it will certainly end the quarrel. It would not hurt to remember that any medal has two sides and what to look at it from all sides. In a word, you have to hear, you have to listen, you have to say, but you can never heat your feet.

Hidden motifs of conflict conflicts

Sometimes the motives of conflicts in the family are hidden so deeply that even the closest people can not understand what's the matter. The mood in humans may depend on such factors that no one in the family does not know what does not know, but not even guess. Moreover, a person is not going to devote to the cause of the bad mood ...

How to find a way out? If the motives of family conflicts are hidden and it is impossible to understand them, then again and again it should be accepted with a person and try to figure out what he worries him and does not suit.

Attention! Sometimes assistance is needed to resolve the conflict. It may be a conversation with a close person, and professional assistance of a psychologist or psychotherapist.

Psychology on conflicts

Psychology determines the conflict as the lack of consent between people, if it concerns individuals. And the lack of consent can provoke a collision of interests, a clash of contradictions and further aggravation of the situation.

The cause of the conflict can be anything: politics, culture, religion, material condition, interests, expectations - absolutely anything. Add to this pride, determination, emotionality - and here he is conflict. And then went, I went: I remember old insults, it was impassable and deceit what was not there, the wrong conclusions are made.

Want to pay off the conflict? Learn to give up. Most likely, it will soon be possible to return to a painful topic in a slightly different setting, and then it will be possible to return to its previous position.

It is very important to understand that it is flexibility that the ability to listen to a close person, the desire to find a compromise solution, the search for points of contact will help the resolution of the conflict. Your interlocutor is right? Tell him about it, but gently and with respect for his opinion, because it is tolerance and benevolence that make it possible to repay the conflict much easier than anything else.

Even if the usual dispute moved to the conflict, their emotions should be controlled, because uncontrolled emotions are able to completely destroy any relationship. And it is equally important that civilized, calm and reasonable dispute never turned into a real conflict.

It is imperative to understand that it is possible to resolve the conflict only with the help of a calm dialogue, that is, conversations. Only if all sides of the conflict can formulate their claims, their vision and will report their expectations, only then the conflict may be discontinued and repaid.

Of course, it is very important to be able to formulate your thoughts, impressions, wishes, however, it is equally important to be able to listen to the other side. It is possible that you will have to even change your point of view on some questions - this is normal, because the truth is born in the dispute. Notice, in the dispute, and not in conflict.

What is dangerous conflict in the family? Any conflict awakens in people who were still the most close, relatives and loved ones, insult, distrust, irritation, anger. Conflicts do not affect health, not only at the work of the nervous system, but also at the work of all systems and organs of the body. There are cases when conflicts ended with suicidal attempts with fatal outcome.

Do you want to reproach someone from loved ones? Do you feel that you can insult any of the home? Stop. Any conflict someone must once stop, but some conflicts are tightened "forever - to dinner," and others are drawn by decades.

Think about children and grandchildren, think about what atmosphere they will grow and form, think about all that it gives a strong family and what the loving relatives please. What conflict and what clarification of the relationship can be more important than a smile of your loved one?

Sometimes the stories of the couples who were on the verge of divorce begin with proud words - "We lived in the soul two years and have never quarreled, but then, unexpectedly ...". Those who are alone suffer from doubts about the future, also affect this topic: "We have solid family conflictsPerhaps the only way out is to part. "

And there are radical options at all: as soon as the semblance of a quarrel arises, one of the pair is ready to slap the door immediately and leave. Sometimes - forever. Without trying conflict solutions in a relationship. Because in the consciousness of many quarrels, this is what should not be in family life, otherwise it cannot be considered "successful" or "successful" and even "normal" is impossible. The cheating picture on the constantly pouring molasses on both sides, it turns out, terribly a survivor. And alas, very devastable.

It happens another extreme. When people do not even ask the question "How to build a dialogue?". When they resigned with what they swear. It is already tired of portraying a happy family to portray this couple, and now they have a niche of their own choice "we have everything like everyone else." This means that the quarrels are becoming something like the weather - we spoil the mood, but do not significantly affect anything, they do not behave anywhere and do not change anything.

So what is considered "normal"? - Many ask me. Truth, if it is generally possible in this case, as always - somewhere in the middle of the extremes. But before disassembled and typical errors in clarifying relationshipsLet's get acquainted with these extremes to find the middle.

The illusion of conflictial relationship comes from the illusion of eternal love. The state of Euphoria, which covers people in the presence of a strong sexual attraction to each other, creates the idea that "so it should be forever." In fact, any love has a shelf life, about the reasons for this, in particular, one can read in detail in the article on the crisis of three years.

Now it is important for us. The first signals are that "Eternal Love" - \u200b\u200bonly an illusion, happens at the beginning of relations. But the conflicts are usually taken not to notice. "Think, a little thing, everyone has."

An unresolved trifle eventually tends to grow into a major problem. As a rule, it is noticed just when love reduces turnover. And standing in full growth family conflict Perceived as a tragedy. As a rule, no one hurry in it to understand, the emphasis shifts to another - "How did we really quarrel with my beloved person?"

By default, it was assumed that a favorite person must be understood, and better - even approve, and in some cases - even admire the desires and decisions of the partner. When this does not happen, despair comes to change the inspiration. At the same time, most men and women often think that their solution is reasonable and correct, but disagreement of a partner is something "wrong".

What are the approaches to resolving conflicts, we will talk later, it is also important to be another - the definition of the conflict is not to determine the reasons for the conflict, and the fact that is declared abnormal (and with this most often agree to both spouses). And then, as a rule, one is inferior. Suppressing his desires, and not really discussed.

The second is approved in his "right-way" and further requires even more. The first or further begins, or rebels, and most often decision conflict He is no longer interested, interests only the opportunity to take revenge. After all, he has already come to his throat more than once, now he has the right to answer the same and make the partner suffer.

It is easy to guess that this position leads only to the tightening of the rope and the approval of a man and a woman as rivals, but not partners. And then only 2 options. The first - people, having spent some time in the position of rivals and, in fact, enemies, after a while they lose all connections with each other, get tired of fighting their own home and disperse in the hope of finding heat and support somewhere else. And often still repeat the same script.

In the second option, the extreme is the first to go into the second, and the prerequisites for this turn are the remaining strong connections: children, life, joint financial investments, common habits, and in some cases such a "bridge" remains established and regular sex.

In addition to these facts, there are different feelings, thoughts, for example, fears that "I can not deal with life alone and not find a new partner," the principles - "I never divorced in our family" or "I loved it / And, it is necessary to be faithful ", the pessimistic beliefs" It's better will not be better, they are all the same. " At the same time, the dragging of the rope in such a family occurs with varying success: the husband once "wins", once - the wife.

Everyone understands that to maintain relative equilibrium, it is necessary to periodically "give up", and each inside itself builds a hierarchy of values \u200b\u200b- where to give way well, it is completely impossible, and where "okay, let it do in his own way, survival." And worry. How to experience strong wind, rain, snow and hail.

Without learning to apply efforts to decision conflict In the family, such pairs repeat the plots of these quarrels once at one time, from year to year, and at the same time no one wants to act in the experience of a partner or change their behavior. What for? After all, you can "survive", even though it is unpleasant.

In fact, to live to a state when the number of conflicts will decrease, and the moments of understanding and acceptance will become more and more - quite real. But for this, be aware of why conflicts arise, and be able to solve them constructively for both sides. And this is a whole science that I suggest to start mastering.

In this article I would like to consider the main causes of family conflicts, various approaches to their resolution, and bring practical examples regarding how to build a dialogue in the family.

"We will quarrel on trifles"

In fact, the trifles does not happen. Many often conflict cause and occasion.

Any "trifle" can really become a reason - he did not call from work, which is delayed, although in thoughts it was not to lie and hide. Or she did not prepare dinner to his parish, although she promised. He is dissatisfied with the fact that she "how-called" his unloved dress to corporate. She is indignant by the fact that he drank a crane many times, and did not. You can continue for a long time.

Anyone can say: "Well, nothing happened! Nobody betrayed, did not change, did not leave, did not put it .... " Yes, so. But let's see not for reason, but for the reason.

What is behind that "trifling" call from work? Attention. Care. Importance. For her, this call is confirming its importance, confirmation that he does not do not care about her feelings, what he knows - she will worry. This minute of care and attention speaks of his love and that he hears it. And may it continue to be a trifle for him - but he could show that he is not indifferent to what she considers it important.

The problem of "trifles" is that, first of all, most measures everything in itself and thorough forget that another person is another. It's not you. This is he / she, but not you. He can always find other priorities, another placement of accents, other needs.

And most often - precisely in the so-called "trifles", which other persistently does not want to pay attention, because for him it is "trifle"! But every trifling often costs something much more global. And not always the partner immediately can explain it.

In determining the causes of the conflict, the leading questions can help: "And why is it important for you to call me? Do you have any specific fears? For what reason is it important to you? " Your task is to be attentive to the partner and help realize your motives, and not unpacked from him, because something is not clear to you.

If you are the "offended" side, try to realize the reason for the conflict and convey to the partner. You need to ask yourself the same questions - "What does this call mean for me? Why is it important to me? What do I want to get from the partner through this call? " Answers and will cause.

You most likely lack attention, feeling of significance, care. And perhaps you or experience excessive alarm for the partner. And it is also worth talking about it. In fact, it often happens otherwise:

- You did not call me! I sat all evening waited, nervous, where are you, your phone did not answer, you never know what could happen?

- What did you get so climbed? I was at work, near - the bosses, well, I could not answer!

- Well, you knew that there would be a meeting, could you really call before?

- I did not think that so long everything would delay, because I did not call! Do not report to me for every half an hour?

Then, as a rule, a woman begins to prove a man that it was not called - it was wrong, and this is a bad act from his side. He resists imposed on him feelings of shame and guilt (After all, he really did not conceal anything wrong), and begins to be angry with the fact that it is forced to justify. As a result, a man often goes into the offensive:

- What are you constantly nervous! I'm not a small child, enough to control me!

- Oh, I control you ??? And you….

(Options are possible: - And you are a small child, if you do not remind you a hundred times, then ....)

However, with such a formulation, the issue is almost impossible normally and sincerely apologize. Because no mentally healthy person wants to voluntarily recognize himself or "bad", nor "guilty" where he does not feel. And this is normal - deep, at the subconscious level, even with the most powerful, we always maintain the part of the psyche that protects the personality from the total depreciation.

Most people and so feel the cargo of their own imperfection, and it is in the family, from the spouse, we are all waiting for understanding and accepting us as we are, not pinks and chips. And it is especially important in the context of "little things", because if you have not explained to the end of the true reason for your discontent - your attempts to put another guilty will be all the more regarded as nuts and inappropriate generalizations.

The question arises, and how could it look constructive dialogue. I will give an example with the same situation:

- I see you delayed ... something important happened? Are you all right?

First of all, it would be nice to ask - and indeed, did nothing happen to the spouse today? Perhaps he has trouble at work and does he need support?

And perhaps, the conversation will turn around that the spouse will tell immediately about his experiences, and in itself it will become clear why he did not call, and there will be no sense to be offended. But let's say nothing has happened:

"It's all right, just at the end of the day the chef appeared and brought a new project, said urgently. We quickly discussed it and diverged home.

- Let's dinner, my hands.

With this you have already transferred the whole situation in a peaceful bed and showed attention to the spouse. This will bring its positive fruits, believe me. But when you already sat calmly dinner, you can tell about your experiences. And remember - speak better immediately about the reason, and not about the reason.

- I will have a request for you. I understand that these one and a half hours - not such a terrible delay, and I do not blame you. But, you know, your attention is very important in this form - you could continue to warn me about what delayed?

Note - this is a question. Request. Not an accusation and no attempt to make. Not the presentation of nonilities or guilt. And it is quite realistic to hear in response:

"Sorry, I didn't think that everything would definitely delay it, I would continue to think about it in advance.

If you have long accumulated something - try to express it, which led to such quarrels before, but in the same calm manner:

- You know, perhaps, I lack attention recently. And I start nervous literally because of any violation of the usual order. It would be calmer if you often called, sometimes wrote SMS, and I would like us more time together.

And then the conversation can concern any reasons, in which the conflict was actually founded - a lack of attention, caress, the lack of a sufficient number of across the time, the feeling of an unnecessary husband and disclose the reasons for which you feel so much. But all in the same manner - in the form of a story about experiences and in the form of nominations of some proposals.

If you need to throw out emotions - you can learn how to do it in a safe manner while no one. Or, if you really feel the need to talk emotionally, no one forbids, but even you can cry, speaking of your experiences. Emotions - still not reason to impose partner feelings of shame and guilt.

Think about why you still built conversations in the form of charges? Why do you need to prove to the partner that he is "bad"? What benefits do you personally bring you? Your own "right point" and "prettier"? However, the formation of insecurity takes place in childhood, and it is unlikely that your partner has had something to do so.

Perhaps you should first deal with your self-esteem and a sense of guilt before blaming the partner? And even more so, if you yourself need a constant reinforcement of your "good" - do you really think your partner does not need the same?

"I hate to ask!"

And, in fact, why? I often hear at consultations such a position: "Because it is humiliating." And when I ask: "And how then is not humiliating?", In response, I hear: "He / she must / understand herself." Well, wow a request! It turns out, most people want to get telepaths in husbands / wives?

In fact, an understanding of "with a half-sex" is possible in two cases, the first is the final - when this is the most "understanding" is a consequence of what both are covered by the hormonal euphoria, and therefore want the same.

If we cut - then it is possible to be in bed as soon as possible and stay there as much as possible with all the resulting caresses, delights, and the feeling of complete unity

Private consequence of this is the illusion of the feeling that "we want the same thing in everything." In fact, at the moment of acute love, people want to linger as longer at this point of utmost ecstasy as long as possible. There is nothing wrong with that, it is a normal start for relationships in some cases.

The moment of love implies a sharp pleasure of similarity, and it is this state that pushes most of the creation of families, the birth of children, because stable confidence arises - "We are created for each other."

But there is one catch - the feeling of total similarities and understanding "in everything" ends. And then you have to deal with differences. But there are few people ready to appear to their appearance, and in particular, few people are ready to leave the illusion of telepathy.

The second case of understanding "from the Poluslov" is possible only after many years of collaboration, and such an understanding must be learn. Once you read this material - you are ready to learn. And for this it is necessary to realize the importance of a request.

In fact, truly get acquainted with the chosen one, we start during this period - when passion passes and issues of life arrangement arise. How to distribute finances how to lead a life, who and what should do around the house when planning children where to go on vacation and how to carry out a common weekend. Before that questions, it was not worthwhile - who will be at the moments of ecstasy to plan homework and count the salaries of both lovers?

But when the passion leaves - the time comes to solve these questions. The dust is not the one, in the head there are many reasonable arguments. Everyone has their own.

And if it is important for you that your wife be sure to bake patties every weekend - do not think that she herself guess. Perhaps she spoiled you a couple of times in a period of acute love. So what? It was just two days of inspiration. But now some of your life turns into a routine (and this is not a crucial word, it means that there is a repeatability of some actions, they are brought to automatism, because you do not plan to change it all in the near future).

Bake one or twice the pies - a pleasant feat. The oven them every weekend is already routine. To which you need to get used to and realize that it is important to her husband that this is exactly what is imprinted in it as a manifestation of his wife's love. And how can she realize this if the husband does not deign about it?

When I ask men, why they were not asked, often meeting the generalization: "Well, everyone knows that the path to the heart of a man .... And then I always praised her threshing! Surely she did not understand what it is important for me? "

No, alas. Because it was all important - both lace underwear, and the newly downloaded specifically for joint watching film, and the music she sent him by mail, and that tie, which gave it to the 23rd of February, and pies, and a new towel of his beloved color .... How to distinguish what was "nice, but not necessarily," and what is "important, important"? After all, take absolutely everything from the Arsenal of Love will not work.

It is necessary to work, raise children, build a house, solve other domestic issues - it will not work all my life to twist in the clouds. And a man and a woman makes sense to build a priority system for themselves and partner - what exactly needs to take with it, and what can be postponed. If you did not give a woman any landmarks, do not be surprised that instead of pies it will drive on lace underwear and movies.

Asking you consolidate your own half of your own priorities. His "importance". In a sense, this can be even considered not as a request, but focusing. Moreover, it is necessary to accentuate it and not two.

One of you, for example, was not accustomed in your parent family to the fact that if someone comes home - you need to go out and meet a person at the door. If, during your love, your half poured at the first turn of the key in the castle, then after two or three years you can no longer wait. And not because you were "fought", but because it was gone here this limit voltage of emotions, characteristic of the period of love.

And your partner requires a more relaxed form of existence, in which it is immersed in his old behavioral patterns and habits rooted in it for years. And what so much time has been fixed, needs the same gradual change.

In this change, the systematic requests of the partner play a significant role. If from time to time calmly concern that it is important for you to meet you at the door - sooner or later a new habit is formed, already for your own family. But it only will be formed if the information you will convey calmly, and it is especially important to encourage success.

Once again, I am pleased to see my wife who meets you in the hallway. And not to swear on what exactly this time she did not come out of the room. It also remembers both - and complaints with insults, and praise. And it is from you that will be dependent on what your spouse will remember, and what conclusions will make it.

There is another moment - mainly about men. I often notice that men are worse than the hints than women. More precisely - to understand, they may, and understand, but less often trust such a thin understanding. And to make sure they are waiting for a specific request. And it does not come, because the lady often expects that her subtle hint will be understood. And the man is often waiting for him to say specifically.

So the famous figure arises: he believes that she herself does not know what he wants, and she believes that he is an insensible chubban, who do not care about her subtle experiences. In such cases, I propose to solve one question for myself, as from the famous joke.

Caused a lady taxi. It is in the specified location, the car drives up. The lady comes to the taxi driver:

- Are you a taxi?

- Yes, you ordered, right? - Specifies the driver.

- I. And why do you have a car not yellow? And the "taxi" is written somehow inseparably? And checkeys where?

What is the taxi driver answers:

- Madame, so you checkered or go?

What is more important to you - get the desired? Or so that he learned to understand hints, and in the same minute and with a half-mounted? I think, nevertheless, get the desired. And most often we are not talking about a disposable action. And about what is going on day after day. "It is important for me that you give me flowers at least once a month." Or "I want you to hug me as often as possible." "I will be pleased if you open the car door to me." Yes, there is a lot more - from pleasant smallest things to large things.

And perhaps you have to repeat more than once that it remembers: if you have a bad mood - raise it can flowers / dinner in the restaurant / ride to nature / small gift / Help in everyday life / Joint watching film / Spontaneous sex / Continue yourself.

I often spoke "Well, what could be spontaneous sex at the request? And how can the flowers that I herself and asked? " If you are in principle pleased with your husband and flowers, they are selected, the process will lose only part of the charm. And then at first. But if the husband sees several times that "it works" - it will not be necessary and guessed, he will know and feel your mood shades. For one reason:

if you regularly give him feedback, in what states and what you need, then over time it will cost without reminders. After all, inside him, he has already built a causal relationship. And then you can make a lot of dozen years of enjoying the proposals that you are important at this moment. Because your husband knows you well.

"No, let her .... No, let him! "

Suppose you quarreled not at all constructively. When the conflict arose - scribbled, even broke the plate. They called and accused each other. Well, it happens, no one is insured. But what's next? Next, somehow you need to get out of the conflict and start a normal life.

Very often each of the partners is waiting for the first step from the other. And it is dictated that's what: "If he first goes to put up - hence he recognized his guilt." The second thinks in the same way, and since everyone considers itself right, then no one is in a hurry to take the first step.

And since no one wants to be considered to be guilty, and in this recognized, the conflict simply flies, "descends on the brakes." Everyone who has experience in relationships, and especially together, knows how it is done.

There was a question with money / called a neighbor about the overall repair / it is necessary to decide that we will dinner / child asks something in both / continue. As a rule, this is a household preposition. On the basis of which you can begin to communicate again, as if by making the conflict "for brackets". No one recognized her wrong, no one made the first step. And everything, it seems, forgotten.

And here is not. The voltage in the relationship is one way or another. And you need long, slowly look after the partner to understand whether he is still angry, or no longer. And adjust your behavior depending on this.

In addition to various fantasies regarding the thoughts of the partner, which may not at all correspond to reality (and we will talk about it later separately), there is another significant "but" in this position. The problem is not solved. So this family conflict may repeat more than once and not two.

There is another "but" - this is "confession of guilt." After all, the guilt does not exist. There are simply 2 positions, 2 sets of reasons for which each of the partners had such an opinion or did somehow. But there is no "generally accepted normal" strategy of behavior in the family.

I always pronounce one phrase in consultation, seeking me essential in the question solutions of family conflicts: "There are no norms of family life. You can do anything, as part of the Criminal Code, this is the only thing for all place. Otherwise - there is no unambiguous right, no rules and rules, uniforms for everyone. The question of relationship is the only question of your agreement with a partner. "

Therefore, it makes no sense to talk to him in the language "Every normal person knows that ..." First, this is a direct insult. After all, if it turned out that your partner does not know or adheres to another point of view - it turns out, you declare it abnormal. And here it is hardly possible constructive dialogue.

Secondly, relations create two people. And if it even existed a certain "list of defaults", which would be applied to all families, it would have to announce it before marriage, at least in order to verify the parameters. And then if someone has a failure in the system?

But everyone goes into relationships with its "defaults", which are significantly different sometimes from those from a partner. All these "defaults" are not born at all of the fact that there are some common norms in the family. And from the fact that each of the partners instilled its norms the parent family. And each in the measure of abilities completed it with their observations and conclusions.

But to discuss all this, entering into a serious relationship, no one worked. After all, at the stage of love it seemed that defaults are the same. Although the same was the same attraction that gave the illusion of the complete similarity of beliefs.

If the norms would really be common - they would be equally dirty in the heads of both partners the same parents.

However, we are constantly faced with sometimes diametrically opposing convictions. And this means that each of the partners makes a very different experience from their childhood and youth. Which, depending on the person's personality, is also comprehended in different ways.

And now think - where is the desired "absolute right thing"? Even if the partner deliberately did it hurt, then this can only say that in his family, manipulations and educational games were accepted to constantly provoke from a person feelings of shame and guilt, And your partner from this suffered first. And then learned to "bite" likewise, and now this model of behavior is successfully broadcasting into your family.

However, manipulation is a thing common in many families, and it is easy to assume that not only your partner, but you yourself have a good technique. Otherwise, you can hardly wait for the first step from the partner, it would be more important for you decision conflict, not "so that he suffers more accurate."

You can cope with this can be only one way - someone has to start revealing cards. Who is no matter. Who is the first to think about constructive dialogue in a relationship. Who at the moment will be more prepared psychologically. Who will be more enlightened.

And this does not mean that someone is "better." This means that someone is ready to take the first step, and tell me that relations built on wine, manipulations, intimidation and educational games, it is not satisfied. And in order for this to adequately convey, you need to invite a partner to a conversation.

In one film, I glimpse such an episode. The couple told about their relationship. "Every time we argue, no matter how much it was, no matter how one of us is offended, we always gathered in 3 hours in the living room and sat down at the negotiating table."

Start such a rule. Let it be your place and your watch - an hour, two or a day later, where you want. It is important that you both are accustomed to come there, no matter how strong is a quarrel, and talk about what happened. Without charges. Without attempts to assert the partner. You're creating your family, and not in the battlefield?

There is no rightful and guilty, and in any, even the most painful situation, never forget to ask about the senses of the partner and try to understand them. After all, he did something not for no reason, even if it was formally he was a quarrel instigator.

And when you understand its reasons - you can safely convey your own. Not forgetting what the throughline line in this article is stated: the best way to make your feelings understandable to the partner is to tell about them. Do not blame the other. Talk about yourself, their feelings. And not about what he is bad. The difference in perception is huge.

In psychology, there is even the name of these strategies: "I-approach" and "you approach". As you already guessed, the first is a story about your feelings and freedom for a partner to draw conclusions. "It hurts me when I don't get news from you during the day." And "You don't care about my feelings, you will not raise a call from you for a day!"

In the first there is only a temporary combination - "when". And this allows the partner to draw conclusions. In the second - a policy point for "wrong" and a negative assessment. And such always makes it even makes justify (and feel guilty, and then start quietly hating a partner for it), either go to the offensive (and the defense rarely suggests warm feelings).

"I think he thinks I think he thinks ...."

Real contact without illusions and lies is possible only between the real and openly expressed by the feelings of partners, what are they now. Unable to contact with assumptions created in your own head. That is, it is possible, but it will be a contact with you, and not with a partner.

I always offer people to introduce such a picture (and sometimes even drawing it):

Already from what is drawn, you see that in addition to the two real participants in contact, there are also virtual (that is, really not existing) participants. Let's briefly get acquainted with them:

The image of oneself

Everyone has each. Of course, we cannot do absolutely without an image of yourself as a whole, without knowing our real abilities and talents, character traits and opportunities, features of perception and external data. All of this we make some kind of performance. But how close it is to reality is already depends on a person. As practice shows - more often than close.

Construction of psychological protection by modifying an image itself is not the topic of this material. To begin with, it is enough to just think about the fact that your idea of \u200b\u200bmyself can correspond to reality only partially. And be born more from the desired than from the actual.

This embellishment of reality often follows from the basic underestimation itself, and therefore performs a compensatory function. The underestimation of himself, in turn, comes from the assessments of parents and those restrictions that most of us absorb in childhood. And there are practically no unambiguous images.

For example, one child was inspired by all the childhood that being a child is to be a "unfinished" man, irresponsible and not knowledgeable life, and therefore not perceived seriously. Being adults, therefore, it was good and honorable.

As a result, a person will be all his life in the semi-aware form to experience fear, "what if I'm still not adult enough?" And build such an image of yourself - adult and responsible. And if such a person will say (without having anything bad) "You like a child!" - This man will insult. Meanwhile, as in the head of the interlocutor, it "as a child" was quite approving and positive connotation.

And on the contrary, if the child was not inspired that the child would be bad, even if the phrase "you like a child" will tell him with a clearly negative subtext, implying "irresponsible", he will simply not be noticed. And will not be offended. Because in the circle of his personal meanings, the "child" and "irresponsible" are not connected.

If clarifying relationships You are too much based on the image of yourself - then this is exactly what prevents you from hearing a partner.

Suppose he says something that directly indicates the lack of your responsibility regarding the partner. If you perceive the situation "in pure form" - this will mean that here and now, on this particular day, you have led yourself without thinking about the partner.

This happens. It does not characterize you as an irresponsible person in principle. This only speaks that you forgot or did not provide for something. And it may have been offended by your half, which I was mentioned. And it can be solved and figure out now, after listening to a person, realizing that he did not suit him, realizing that he really was unpleasant, and making conclusions.

But more often it happens quite differently. Sometimes, regardless of how discontent was presented, you can see the attempt on the bright image of a responsible and adult. And then write gone. This dispute has no constructive permission, because no one was going to say that you "in principle are irresponsible."

This you yourself make such requirements to yourself - to meet the same requirement of total responsibility in everything and always.

Perhaps, if in the partner's comments, you constantly see an unfair accusation - it is worthwhile, first of all, think about what requirements do you make to yourself?

Perhaps in your pair only you ourselves are so docked on our flawlessness, but the partner quietly allows you to have shortcomings. Think: do you find out relationships with a partner or with you?

Image of partner

Even everyone also has. Of course, we feel something to the partner is not just like that - including because we saw something important for themselves. And there is both pros and cons. Of course, perfectly, when something in a partner admires you. But it is impossible to measure everything else in man only one criterion: "As he / she treats me."

Not all the actions of the partner are dictated exclusively to you with an attitude. Some of them are just his actions, habits, needs, etc., who do not have any rushes to you. And if a person tied up with you, this does not mean that now everything and always he will do in the light of your relationship.

Yes, of course, solve global and major questions alone, and in this marriage is somehow not about marriage. But also interpret every act of a partner in the light of relations is also not always productive for marriage.

For example, your partner pays a lot of time to sports. At the time of love, the pace of work on themselves in the physical plane could be reduced. But as soon as your relationship has become stable, the passions dropped down, your partner returns to his priorities.

And he can adjust them as much as possible, including on the basis of the fact that he has a couple. The question is that you want to see you. Egoist? Narcissistic person? Or who will forget about themselves and protect their health, including the sake of your family?

And perhaps - this is generally outside the family. It's just part of your partner, an integral part. You can only agree with it, take another as it is, and was before you, but you should not try to destroy in it what you are not fully understood. And not always like it is worth interpreting exclusively in the spirit "If you do something for yourself, then you will take it away from me and we".

Or another bright example of how the image is created "along the course of action." Suppose your husband began to linger at work. And for various reasons (maybe your fears, maybe moments from his last LifeWhat you know may, according to a recent example of a friend), you start thinking something like "What if he has a mistress?"

One of this thought is enough for reality to be rushed to prove your right thing. Although, of course, it will not be in reality, but in the fact that most are inclined to interpret everything that happens within their own ideas.

And here is the image of a partner - "the one who can go on at work." In this case, reality may not coincide with your expectations at all. But if you begin to communicate with a partner from this position, implying that everything exactly as you think - there is a risk of global misunderstanding. Because you are under different pretexts start demanding the arrival from work in the "laid" time, and your husband can sincerely perplexed about your attempts to limit - after all, he is trying, for example, to earn more money for you, for a family. But, forgetting to ask him about what actually stands behind his late parishes, you begin to communicate with him as if he has already committed a couple of deaths.

So who do you communicate in reality - with your fantasies and fears, or with real reality? With whom is going on showdown - With a partner or that reality, what did you create in my head? And who is responsible for this?

An image of each other

Of course, it is important to know what the partner in relation to you thinks and feels. But for this there is one way - ask. And believe. And for this it costs to recall what we have already said: Partner is another. And if you begin to look for an explanation to his actions before, you most likely communicate with you, and not with a partner, because its causes and investigations are most likely different from yours, and therefore could not come to mind.

Here is an example. Women often complain that men are watching porn. Why is it generally more often comes to men - you can read in the article "Men on pornames". Another important is - first a woman in upset feelings gives a man to understand that it is bad, and after it requires explaining why he needs it.

But what person want to explain if he already told "how disgusting"? And even more so, if a woman herself came up with such an image of himself, in which she is "no longer attractive for her husband," managed to be offended at it, and now requires explanations?

In such a statement, the question contains a hidden requirement "Prove me that I am still attractive to you." But in most cases it is so in itself! And it is difficult for a person to prove what he himself did not doubt.

If I really want to find out why - it's worth starting from this issue. And not from the speculations that "if it does it, then I don't need it." At least so you keep the chance to learn how everything is in practice, and not get a portion of "sedative pill" in the key "Yes, I do not know why and why, but I will no longer."

Stone conflicts

There are a number of situations in which everything is not coming down to speculation, inability to hear the interlocutor and competently convey their feelings. It happens that the partner is heard, the feelings are reported correctly, and the situation is not solved.

I will give an example. Suppose a woman grew in the family of accumulates, and herself got used to perfect purity in the house. She is even ready to maintain order itself if she does not interfere. But often a man has a lower bar in relation to order, and it is not at all embarrassing scattered socks or breathing just so on the shirt sofa.

The right and guilty here is not, as not and the norm. However, what to do if the requirements for the situation are different, and it is impossible to reduce everything to one "standard"?

The method of solving conflicts of such a plan can be represented as purely mathematical. Suppose the requirements of the wife to order on some hypothetical scale are +30. And the husband is +10. There is a banal arithmetic average +20. This will be the stage for which both will make two equal steps - she is a bit down, and he is a little up.

Most offended: Well, how so, my requirement for order is more "perfect", more "correct", why should I descend? The answer is simple - because why he should rise. If the partners do not make a shared step to each other, then one will feel depressed.

It is clear that the step itself will not be simply quantitative - one shirt can be left, and another - be sure to remove. Rather on the priority system. Let the one who has the requirement for order above will try to choose a couple of the most painless things. Which can be survived without a special damage - and here to let go of a bit of my demands.

But what is nervous and annoying most - it is in this place and ask her husband to take a step towards. As a result, the requirement of greater order will be much more specifically than "worth it more often to clean up", for example, "Please, be sure to put the dishes in the sink and pour water. I can wash myself, but when the food saved to a plate - it was harder to wash it at times. "

Perhaps over time, the husband will also imbued with your love for order. But only if you go small chambers, and not unload the entire list of wishes on the partner. After all, the assistant seems simple, but the ideal picture may seem unbearable and generally repel the hunt for a partner to do something in this direction.

The same question often arises with sex. At a certain stage, it can be found out that one need more and more often, and the other, on the other hand, the needs are reduced.

Very often, this situation concerns couple-peers, when both for 30 people already have the sexuality of a man, and women are significantly increasing for some time. And the same arithmetic helps here: if for your wife it is enough three times a week, and for you one, then two are your arithmetic average. Of which you can show the initiative, you yourself, and the second time simply go about the wife.

Many say that "I don't want to stop over yourself if I don't want." However, watching couples with similar family conflicts (And especially those who else in the rest of everything relatively established), I have repeatedly came to the conclusion: a man with medium health and without pronounced sexual problems loses its psychological interest in sex in the previous quantities, rather than the opportunity to deal with them.

What this is connected - the topic for a separate article, in this case it is important to other: even where, it would seem, everything should be spontaneously and mutually, sometimes it is necessary to internally tune in to a partner, to give up.

If you have not been able to contact a consultant for any reason, then leave your message (as soon as the first free consultant appears on the line - you will immediately contact you on the specified e-mail), or on.

Copying the materials of the site without reference to the source and instructions of the authorship - forbidden!

Here you need to choose the right tactics, arrange priorities and leadership.

The overall characteristic of human psychotypes is in our.

Family conflict - what is it?

Conflict families are what? Family is full-featured structure.

Its members interact as close as possible to each other, live on one territory.

Crisis, conflicts arise in any familyBut the amount of them and severity are different.

Family conflicts are associated with the desire to satisfy certain needs, avoid negative impact, create conditions for their own interests, without considering the needs of the partner.

Features conflict:

• are determined by structural proximity;
• the interaction includes emotions;
• there are legal obligations;
• the presence of moral obligations to the spouse;
• various conflict management techniques are used;
• directly related to crisis periods of family development;
• the protracted conflicts directly affect the mental state of the participants, affect health, provoking the exacerbation and emergence of various diseases;
• relations between spouses affect children.

Conflicts often arise in disadvantaged families, where Dean or both spouses suffer from alcohol abuses and prohibited substances.

In families where frequent scandals occur, there is a constant voltage.

In severe cases, the conflict is visible to even unauthorized people when the spouses are no longer able to restrain their emotions, and go to confrontation for any occasion. Often there is a manifestation of violence towards the spouse and children.

Types of conflict situations

There are various systematization of intra-family conflicts.

The most simple - division on.

The first leads to the positive impact on the life of the family, the second destroy the relationship and are often the cause of divorce.

• actual- bright, quickly flashing caused by a specific reason;
• progressive - arise gradually, growing stronger, the main reason - the inability to adapt to each other, find a compromise;
• we are familiar- Well-established relationships, which, due to certain habits, cannot be changed, such conflicts arise according to the same reasons and develop in a single scenario.

Family conflicts are divided into explicit and implicit.

The first are pronounced brightly, the reason for them is understandable. The second is held in a hidden form, there are hostility of one or both sides, closure, irritability, fatigue.

Psychology and reasons

Why does interpersonal conflicts occur in the family? Before looking for ways to resolve controversial situations, it is important to deal with the reasons for their appearance.

Between parents and children

Perfect relationship Between parents and descendants are quite rare.

In such families there are wisdom of the older generation, the ability to find the right approach to your children.

Quarrels are natural support for children.

Father and son

Father wishes to instill with his son certain norms and rules of behavior in accordance with its own installations and concepts. Empty Son is permanent feels the pressure of adults and seeks to get rid of control And get freedom of action.

In disadvantaged families, where, for example, an alcoholic father, the conflict may arise on this basis, when the son sees the deviant behavior of the father and the child indignant, alarming, causes an feeling of anger.

The son has the need to protect the mother from the attacks of an aggressive spouse, which also leads to quarrels, and in some cases physical disassembly.

Mother and adult daughter

Employed daughter reminds Mother of her age.

This causes certain negative sensations, psychological discomfort.

Many mothers want her daughter to meet their expectations, lived in line with certain rules, regulations, safely married.

However, the girl seeks to get away from the excessive care of parents, get freedom and start living independently. Persistent tips, teaching can meet hostile.

The opinion of the psychologist about conflicts between parents and children:

Suprussic

Quarrels between husband and wife - most frequent reasons Family disagreements.

Often, the conflict is trying to draw children, which negatively affects their mental state, increasing the level of stress and caused childhood injury.

Family domestic

Arise on the basis of collision of interest. Often the reason becomes unstable financial situationWhen the family lacks livelihood.

There is constant discontent of one or both spouses, an attempt to resolve the budget, take control, distribute resources.

Family conflicts may occur and on the soil of separation of spheres of influenceWhen one of her members exhibits authoritarianism, requires complete submission, the other does not agree with it and resists.

Another common cause of household quarrels - suspicion of it ,.

In a young family

Arise due to the fact that people have not yet learned to build life. They do not understand which way to develop how to make compromises, to build family relations, while observing the interests of the partner, but not forgetting about their own.

Disagreements may occur on the soil of incomprehension of sexual needs.

Although at first, intimate life is usually saturated, the need for contact frequency is different. One partner may be less sexually limited, which causes a bright dissonance in relationships.

Why do conflicts arise in a young family and how to cope with them? Find out of the video:

Between children

Parents often faced the fact that their children have a permanent quarrel.

Boys can fight for rivalry, especially if the age between them is minimal.

Brother and sister can each other, they have a struggle for attention. If adults love more than one of the children, it causes psychological discomfort from the second child.

Special attention deserved children from different marriages. Conflicts in this case are practically inevitable. Often requires consultation of psychologists. Children in this case need to take the fact of having each other, the fact that their parent has a new partner and there is still offspring.

What positive character traits come? You will find on our website.

The expert will help to understand the types of children's conflicts, and will also give useful tips:

With mother-in-law and mother-in-law

Disagreements in this case arise about the fact that parents do not like your own child.

Especially obviously, they are manifested in social inequality, when one of the families have lower incomes, status, other, less attractive origin.

Conflicts arise in the soil of incomprehension of interests, characters.

Effects

Family conflicts violate the normal course of the small cell of society. Not only adults suffer, but also children.

Negative consequences of conflict:

Family conflicts are inevitable, but every time they can increase them, dissatisfaction is growing, while someone from family members do not decide on the responsible step - a break.

How to solve the problem?

How to settle the conflict in the family? In the event of a conflict situation there are ways of unsuccessful behavior that aggravate the problem:

• open confrontation - leads to a protracted quarrels, threats of physical violence by stronger;
• silence, care from finding a solution;
• third-party observer, when one of the spouses is waiting for a certain behavior of a partner, but he may not suspect that they want from him.

How to solve conflicts most painless and winning for both sides?

In the preservation of the family world, a unimportant role plays whether the spouses have respect for a close person, the desire to preserve relations.

In this video you can learn more about how to avoid family conflicts:

Prevention

Family will not last long for some senses. The ability to establish a constructive dialogue, to make a compromise on time. The value is details delimitationand the consent of the partners with this.

Choosing a family chapter - One of the important moments of the prevention of family conflicts. If a constant struggle for the championship occurs, scandals are inevitable.

Family is constant the need to jointly solve various questions: Household, financial, childbirth, rest, repair.

The more disagreements and incompatibility of the interests and directions of movement, the more and more brighter conflicts.

To save peace in the family, both partners should be ready to work together, not to lower your hands in the event of difficulties, strive to help a close person in a difficult situation, maintain.

In the development of family, psychologists take into account the stages and crisis periods. A crisis- This is a turning point, it is inevitable. It is this time that happens the greatest number of divorces.

The couple should be ready for a difficult period, understand its features and do everything to prevent the onset of sharp periods.

12 ways to resolve conflicts in the family:

How to overcome the conflict with her husband?

Women are more emotional, they are sharply reacting to changes in the behavior of her husband, his attitude towards himself, sometimes it implains what is not. The spouse needs to apply wisdom, tactics, female cunning.

Fundamental rules:

1. Respect the freedom of personality, interests, if they do not harm family well-being and health.
2. To be able to thank.
3. Avoid insults.
4. Take into account the characteristics of the character. If you know what the soil is usually flared by a scandal, then it is easier to avoid it.
5. Do not be afraid to conduct a dialogue. If something does not suit you, try quietly to discuss it.
6. Learn to solve questions together.

Remember that family conflicts inevitable. A friendly family is constantly developing, takes into account the interests of their members, in time goes to dialogue and concessions.

Is it possible to determine the character of a person? Learn right now.

How to stop quarrel with my husband? Tips of the psychologist:

And it is not surprising, because it is in the family that the most close contacts between people occur. And at the same time, each of the family members wants to live, conforming to their ideas and views, and it is not always possible to relate them to the habits and beliefs of other family members. Family conflicts occur on this basis. From time to time, spouses, parents and children or people of medium and older generation are provided from time to time.

The conflict can happen not only when family members have different views and beliefs. Sometimes confrontation occurs when people cannot understand each other and because of this come to the wrong conclusion. It gives rise to claims and resentment, and not always the problem is to be resolved by a peaceful way. And what else can cause a tense situation leading to a quarrel?

General reasons for family conflicts

Lion Tolstoy wisely noticed that "... Every unfortunate family is unhappy in its own way." Examples could bring every one of us. It concerns unhappiness. With conflicts, the same - the reasons for them in different families can be completely different. Even the very passage of marriage through different stages of its existence can create conflict situations. What types of family development stages can be called crisis?

• The period of "wipes" when the newlyweds learn to live like a married couple;
• Birth of the first child and mastering the role of mom and dad;
• The birth of subsequent children;
• When a child goes to school;
• Children enter adolescent age;
• Consulting children and care from the parental house;
• Middle-aged spouse crisis;
• Pension spouses

Each of these stages can create various stressful situations that, in turn, are able to serve as a potential reason for the family conflict.

Changes in the marital status and in family affairs can also contribute to the occurrence of voltage. It may be:

• Divorce or traveling of spouses;
• Moving to a new place of residence;
• Business trips for long distances and for a long time;
• The need to work in another state;
• Change in the financial position of the family

So it turns out that family conflicts and their causes can be completely different. The attitude to each other, the values \u200b\u200band needs of each member of the family can change over time, and they can feel their incompatibility with the rest.

Types of confrontations inside the family

Psychologists allocate various types of family conflicts:

• Actually conflicts. Even in a happy and healthy, normally functioning family, there are quarrels from time to time. Confrontation may be caused by the inconsistency of views and goals from different family members. Conflicts can be solved, and then they do not threaten the stability of family bonds. Contradictions in the family can occur at all levels, that is, brothers and sisters, spouses can quarrel with each other, as well as parents and children.
• Tension b Psychologists are tension called long-standing, unresolved conflicts.They can be obvious and open, but can be simply temporarily depressed. In any case, they accumulate and cause negative emotions, leading to constant irritability, aggressiveness and dislike, which ultimately causes a loss of contact between family members.
• A crisis. It can be said when the conflict and tension reached such a stage, in which all the negotiation models have been starting to endure Fiasco, and, consequently, the real needs of individuals or a whole group of households chronically remain dissatisfied. Crisis often lead to family disorganization, that is, certain obligations of spouses in front of each other or the obligations of parents with respect to children cease to be carried out properly. And the disorganization of the family, in turn, often ends with its collapse.

These are the main types of conflicts. And what can cause them? What roughness in relationships between close people can lead to a catastrophe?

Search for "faults" in relations inside the family

Family conflicts and their causes are always closely interconnected. We are ready to lead, though not a complete, but a detailed list of those deficiencies in intra-daily connections, which can significantly affect both the quality of relationships and the further psychological well-being of the family. Here are some examples:

• The inability to express your feelings. In families with an unhealthy psychological climate, its members tend to hide their feelings and reject their manifestations with other people. They do it mainly in order to avoid spiritual pain and psychological injuries.
• Lack of communication. In disadvantaged families, open communication between relatives takes place very rarely. If family conflicts arise, family members begin to avoid each other, emotionally aligning and closing in themselves.
• Manifestations of anger. If some problems arise, the unhealthy family is trying to hide them, instead of meeting face to face and try to solve them. In such a family, there are often disputes about who is responsible for the emergence of a particular problem, and such disputes most often lead to an emot outbreaks and even to the use of force. Such relationships cause full chaos and causes participants in the conflict to become deaf to other people's senses. The prevention and resolution of family conflicts at such a stage of relationships are becoming very difficult.
• Fuzzy borders of the "personal territory". In disadvantaged families, the relationship is unstable, chaotic character. Some family members suppress the rest without respecting their individuality. Such a violation of personal boundaries can lead not only to the conflict, but also to the actions that can be submitted under the definition of "family violence".
• Manipulation. Manipulators express their anger and disappointment of the only available method: they are trying to put pressure on others to cause them a feeling of guilt and shame. Thus, they try to achieve others to do what the manipulators want themselves.
• Negative attitude to life and each other. In some families, everyone belongs to the rest with some suspicion and distrust. They do not know what optimism is, and they, as a rule, absolutely no sense of humor. Relatives have very few common interests and rarely find a common topic for conversation.
• Ski relationship. It happens that family members understand that something goes wrong, but they lack courage to try to change something and start acting somehow in a new way. It creates great difficulties in relationships, households cannot feel free to develop, as a person. They prefer to live past, because in the present can not cope with negative changes.
• Social isolation. Most members of the psychologically unhealthy family are alone. They are isolated from each other, and all their relationships are developing (if they have not lost the ability to develop interpersonal relationships) outside the family. Most often, children growing in families with unhealthy relations suffer from such isolation. Sometimes it becomes characteristic of antisocial behavior, which ultimately leads to even greater personal insulation - even friends remain in such a situation.
• Stress and psychosomatic diseases. Unspoken emotions may adversely affect health and cause psychosomatic diseases. Such a person gradually loses energy and can no longer take care of the family, as before. As a rule, he does not even realize that unhealthy; It is not surprising that this is not understood and his close. They perceive His apathy as indifference to family problems, and this serves to the emergence of conflicts. But the present definition of these conflicts is a simple misunderstanding!

If you find in your relationship at least one of the named signs of the brewing disadvantage, it is not necessary to rice; But to make serious conclusions and try to correct relationships very much! Warning and resolution of family conflicts largely depend on your desire to find a common language with loved ones.

Although, justice to say that one desire is still not enough. We still need to know exactly how you can settle conflict and improve healthy relationships. Here we will talk about this now, given the different types of conflicts.

How can relationships

As we have already spoken, family conflicts between generations are possible when there is a misunderstanding between different age groups and / or the lack of respect, as a rule, with the younger in relation to the elders. The young generation is difficult to understand that the elders were also such young ones that they contributed to society and that, even though they were less active due to their age, they are still smart and have a rich experience that can be useful to others.

The older generation may be difficult to put up with the behavior of some young people. They see that young people now have more opportunities than they had in their time, and that the youngest generation there are no difficulties that once transferred them. Older people cannot understand that young people today face various problems associated with the peculiarities of modern society, and cannot recognize that these problems are also very difficult.

But there are examples of conflicts of generations that occur on other soil. Some may irritate the need to take care of a sick elderly relative. They can love this person very much, but they have to constantly go to some sacrifices in their lives to make this concern. In addition, the senior relative himself can feel guilty and will consider himself a burden for his family. This can lead to depression and serve as an additional source of complications in relations.

The aging often carries with me discrimination or prejudice against people of a certain age, and this is the main cause of conflicts between generations.

Young grandparents

And here is another example: young more parents have children grow up, create their families, grandchildren are born. The birth of the first grandchildren usually finds many middle-aged people by surprise. They are not yet ready for the new role, because they live their, full and active life, and are still full of ambitions. And daughters or sons, creating families and give birth to a child, suddenly understand that at all in time they turned out to be hand and legs. They still need to learn, it is necessary to work, and youth takes its own - I want to continue to communicate with friends, go to the movies, run on dancing, go on a tour ...

And conflicts begin. Young people do not understand that all responsibility for the education of the child lies only on them, they are hard to turn out to be locked in four walls. They do not understand that grandfather and grandmothers are also full of energy, they have some of their plans, and there are still all "ancestors" at this age.

Another example is the exact opposite of the first. Grandma stretches to grandchildren, but the daughter-in-law does not give her to mess with them. All the tips of the mother-in-law are rejected, because the daughter-in-law does not agree with them. And this applies not only to children. Habits and rules in different families may differ even in trifles, not to mention more important issues. But conflicts often begin with the smallest things ... Here is another example: the mother-in-law always served his son to her son, smeared with oil. And the young daughter-in-law is most likely tasty for healthy food, and therefore transferred her husband to yogurts. The mother-in-law will experience that the son remains hungry, and the daughter-in-law will be nervous that the mother-in-law spoils her wife's spouse. The discontent will accumulate, and one day it will turn into a conflict.

How to solve these problems?

The coexistence of generations does not have any fixed rules, but it is possible to find a solution to the problem.

The most important thing is what is based on the warning and resolution of family conflicts between people of different ages is the ability and desire to find out different points of view, the experience of the situation, taking into account the interests of both parties.

How can we better understand each other if we are so different? How can we do others more sensitive towards the situation? And how can you help people expand their ideas about youth and old age?

It all depends on the specific situation and from a particular family. Here are the main "tools", with the help of which you can correct the complex situation:

• Identification of the problem;
• Clarification of the causes of the position occupied and the manifestation of empathy (empathy);
• Take action to eliminate the conflict;
• Change of attitude towards such a situation: Understanding the position of the opposing party eliminates possible conflicts in the future. Understanding is the best conflict prevention.

Children and conflict

The examples, of course, do not exhaust all possible options for conflicts between generations. Extracting children also often become a source of conflicts. Only transitional age - even in full of prosperous families - how many problems carry! True, the prevention of parental conflicts with adolescents will not be considered now, this is a separate topic. But I do not say that any parent quarrel has a strong adverse effect on the child, we cannot.

Even if the child is completely small and still does not understand anything from what adults say, he begins to cry almost immediately after the parents begin to quarrel.

Children perceive the increased tones of the parental conversation as a threat to their well-being.

Those guys who are older, also very painfully perceive parental conflicts. And if children themselves become the culprits of the conflict? If they guessed, and scold and punish themselves already themselves?

Of course, life is life, the conflict may arise at any time, and to protect our children from the negative impact of stress is not always obtained. And then the prevention of nervous diseases in children is already in the first place. How do you ask? It is necessary to learn to competently quarrel. And the children should be scolded also competently.

This means that parents should not resort to humiliation and ridicule, in no case should not use abnormative vocabulary or to allow physical violence, even if it is just a singing or a pile. This means that when conflict should use rational arguments. Parents should never be forgotten that children learn from them to behave every minute with other people, so even for a minute of the bigger anger, it is not necessary to file a bad example.

In addition, after a quarrel with their offs, it is necessary to find an opportunity for reconciliation with him, and you must express your love for the child. Your child should feel that everything is fine, the crisis passed by, and he is still dear to you.

Settlement of family conflicts

Prevention, prevention and resolution of family conflicts depends on your attitude towards them. First of all, learn how to act correctly during a quarrel:

• Determine the problem. Clearly and calmly discuss it with households, paying attention to your tone and the words you choose to express your feelings;
• Discuss the identified problem;
• If the discussion is glowing and starts to grow into a quarrel, take a break so that everyone can cool and return to a calm discussion;
• Come up with a solution to the problem and collectively agree it;
• Apply your decision in practice. You must act in accordance with the decision in order for the conflict to be really exhausted.

Today, the family for some reason is not in priority. Business, success and money for many became the target number one. But we must pay attention to the most important thing in our lives - our family and relatives. Everything else can wait. Only then, the family conflict will become a very rare "guest" in your home.

To begin with, you need to understand why a conflict arose. Sometimes the reason lies in a bad mood, fatigue, irritation, or even an attempt to attract the attention of the spouse. In such cases, the quarrel can begin literally from scratch. The best solution is to deal with a true cause. Relax, raise yourself a mood or talk to a partner about the lack of attention.

During the conflict, do not go to personality and follow your statements. The quarrel will end, and the words take back will not work. Therefore, when you feel that you are starting to lose control over yourself, offer to make a five-minute pause. Get out of the room, squeeze the fresh air, drink water, and when calmed down - come back and continue the conversation.

Methods of solving conflict

Sometimes you can make concessions. If you feel that you are willing to give up victory, it is better to declare a truce. But it should not be so that one person is always inferior. Such tactic only creates the illusion of well-being, but the tension accumulates. And when the bowl of patience of the inferior is perceived, unresolved conflicts can destroy marriage.

In some cases, it is possible to compromise. For example, if you want to buy grapes, and your spouse - pears, you can buy both. But such a tactic does not work in all cases. Sometimes the spouses come to the decision "Neither you nor to me, when no one gets desirable. Then the insult appears at each side.

The best way to solve the problem is cooperation. You must get to the place of the opponent and understand his desires. Together, you can find a solution that can resolve the conflict peacefully. There should be no screams or disputes, everyone puts forward proposals and they are discussed. Riding all the options, you can find a decent solution that will arrange every side.

If nothing helps

When spouses come to a dead end and no one wants to make concessions, you need to use the services of a specialist. Contact your psychotherapist who can look at the situation impartially, hears both parties and help come to a decent solution.

So that there are no fatal conflicts, because of which the family is destroyed, it is necessary to discuss serious issues in advance. Before the wedding you need to know a person, determine your compatibility, how coinciding your views in certain matters. After all, if one spouse wants a lot of children, and the other does not want them at all, finding a solution, both sides, almost impossible. Someone will have to go against their desires or the family will collapse.